The Category of Believing You Know All Your Dreams

I was recently hearing a common sentiment, often shared with children as they grow up. They are constantly shown people who decide at a very young age what their dream is, and are taught to shoot for it, no matter the obstacles. There is a kind of heroic success attributed with someone who makes a choice about their path at an early age, and follows through. I suppose this post will be short, because I just want to rant a little. This is misleading, and possibly damaging.

I asked my Dad recently what is something he has learned in his life that he thinks would have been good to know earlier. He said one of his greatest life lessons was that you don't always know what the best path is for yourself, and you certainly don't always know the path you are on. Basically he was telling me that it is important to have goals, or sights for the future, but that you can't get caught up believing you know best for yourself all the time. Realistically, a "dream" you have when you are young, may be not only impossible, but may turn out to be not as grand as wa believed in childhood.

What I have learned is that you need to truly have an open mind, and not be afraid to deviate from your path when it becomes opportune. Someone may reach and reach towards becoming an astronaut, only to miss a path they may have enjoyed better. I have watched people on Dragon's Den who have put ten years, and tens of thousands of dollars into their business, which really should have been laid to rest long ago. Sometimes other people can see your path clearer than you, and it is important to discover what other people see in you.

Last year I had what I call my "crisis". A little dramatic when compared to other crisis in the world, but relative to my life it is quite appropriate. For some reason I felt out of control, and still believed that I was the only one who knew myself well enough to turn things around. I was the one who decided what I needed to get better, and I pushed myself harder and harder to somehow get well. At some point I had to answer the classic question asked by Dr. Phil to people who explain why they keep doing what they're doing, "How's that working out for ya?" And really, what this question shows, is that you don't always know what's best, though it can be hard to see that. If it's not working, stop doing it.

I believe in dreams, and I believe in the stead-fast pursuit of them. I'm not saying give up when you reach a hard path, but I am saying give up when you realize the path is lined with poison, and can only end in defeat. When you find yourself here, discover a new dream; the world has many.

The Category of Growing Up (which is not really growing up)

Some people will say, "That kid had to grow up so fast," referring to children who have to go through something awful. Some people I have spoken to have believed that because they had to go through some sort of suffering that not everyone has to go through, especially by their age, that they are now more mature, have a better understanding of the world, or themselves. I have met multiple teen girls who have either had a baby, or almost had a baby, and now feel that going through this trying ordeal has put their understanding above those teens that simply worry about homework, friends, and making out.

I will admit, it is easy to attribute certain experiences with certain learning. Sometimes the things people go through do give them an insight into themselves and others, and seem somehow wiser, or more stoic at least, in the face of adversity. What I would argue is that anyone who has gone through extreme suffering (and bear with me on this, I do not wish to belittle suffering at all) have NOT learned more about the world in some all-encompassing way, but rather have merely learned what can possibly exist and how to survive. Realisitically, a lot of suffering does not require you to learn to survive; you will survive regardless. Suffering is rarely an adventure that is willingly sought, but is something that just happens, and as time passes, eventually ends. This isn't to say that suffering is "easy" because without a doubt, it is emotionally, and physically, "difficult". The problem is that people will often gain a particular view from this suffering, and I do not think this makes them more in touch with reality. In fact, I see a lot of bias in these people.

This is not everyone. Some people suffer, and are intelligent enough to consider context, and be willing to admit they are not amazing for their survival alone. I will use the example of the teen mother who has gone through the terrible ordeal of having an abortion. This girl may have been more innocent before, but now by age 18, she has gone through something awful. Maybe she felt she had no choice, or was pressured into it by her parents or the guy, whatever. The problem is, she is still an 18 year old girl. Just because you are young when you suffer, does not mean you will not experience, and process your understanding, as a young person. There is a good chance this girl will be biased in her views, possibly seeing the negative over the positive, or sticking to some belief that may not be the best fit for her own happiness. The point is, you don't grow up when you suffer; you survive, and if you're lucky, you reflect and get something from it. Some people however, are too quick to assume that the suffering is the last stage of the learning process.

Many people I talk to have seen psychiatrists or psychologists, and most seem to distrust or dislike them. Since I am dating a girl aiming to become a psychologist, this makes me really sad, not for her, but for the people who don't care to bother with these professionals. I have learned over the last few years, that psychologists care about the best possible solutions for their patients. It is a science entirely dependant on the patient's cooperation, and realistically will be useless without their full participation. They are the doctors who need you to provide all the information relevant, so they can advise you based on current scientific understanding. It has the potential to be so healthy, yet some people are opposed to letting these people in. For some reason, they trust medicine more, believing that taking a pill (which doctors typically know helps, but not why it works) instead of working with someone who cares!

I keep getting off topic. The point of this post was actually to say that we do not attribute normalcy and happiness with learning about life. I was trying to think recently, why could I not date an 18 year old. My first thought is that they are at a different place in life than me, but also realized that much of what I have gone through was not suffering, just life. I have completed university, I am almost on my career path. I have lived on my own, with friends, and I have had long, important conversations on life, philosophy, religion, and I have opened my mind to being changed by the intellects of those I converse with. I have grown through my love, my success, my happiness. I have sought out a positive truth in the world, and though it is sometimes hidden, I have found it. I could not be with someone who has not grown to this place of happiness. These people who have suffered have not had a chance to grow as I have grown; hopefully they will, but they are not more knowledgeable or mature than me. There are many things I know and understand that they do not. Sometimes thinking your suffering was enlightening gives it purpose, which helps deal with why it happened, but it is a problem to think that the growing is done, or that your view is the only view that matters. Don't let the bias of suffering blind you to the truths out there that are harder to see.